A: i do not backstab

im catholic

guilt is scarier than death

A: james van der beek is on one tree hill tonight

B: i don't give a shit

A: is it weird that im googling hemorrhoids

B: wtf. do you have hemorrhoids?

A: no i just want to see what they are so that ill know if i ever have them

B: You are creepy

[B: Status message: R.I.P. Dave; You will be missed]

A: Sorry for your loss...friend/family/co worker?

B: pet

office pet

mouse

A: i cant believe jon gosselin has 2 gfs now

B: who the f is that?

jon of jon and kate?

plus 8?

plus 2 girlfriends?

equals too many fucking mouths to feed

A: sorry im in a terrible mood

B: it's okaybring home a bottle of vodka. i have a gun

lets play russian roulette

A: I feel likethe grandparents in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - prior to the discovery of the golden wonka ticket - in that i have not moved for the entire day

A: what do i want for lunch

B: a gun

A: pretty much all old english conversations set up situations for SUPER dramatic sex

A: LOOK AT THAT WOMANS HAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i want it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

B: which one

A: the one on the left

B: dude look at her fucking FUPA do you want that? cuz you already have it

A: wtf is a fupa?

B: Fat Upper Pussy Area

educate yourself

http://fupahunter.blogspot.com/

A: i want to wrap you around my waist and call you my fupa

A: go fuck yourself

how's that?

B: maybe i will!!!!!!!!!!!!!

maybe i will fuck myself

seriously, i may

A: this skirt smothers my diaphram

B: ewwww wtf?

A: um

B: ohhhh like as in your diaphram

like not in your vag

but what you expand when you are singing?

A: i saw vag, expand, and singing and got very confused

B: lol your vag doesn't sing? mine has a beaaauuutiful voice

A: i feel like a proud parent....yet aroused at the same time

B: lol you're a total creep

A: whatevs if its wrong i don't wanna be right

A: i wonder if youll soon replace XX with YY as the new superbestfriend

i phased out some of my friends from the fall of last year

they were so 2000

A: ah, my rooommate got an iphone. she downloaded a Bruno app where you guess what underwear he is wearing

terrible.

B: they should do that for harry potter

A: yikes

B: and also the land before time

A: XX just asked me to marry him

B: oooooohhhh he wants to be a senator and he's looking for a trophy wife

A: lol i would totes cheat and ruin both our careers

A: they taught me that the way to world peace is through song and dance

B: I think that was the creedo of the Bolshevik Revolution. now Russians just drink vodka and yell at me.

B: good for the bedroom. not so much for civil society

A: you are hobnobbing with the elite, while i'm sitting in a cafe with the proletariat

B: hahahaha poor baby

A: i know wtf. someone like me should be doing blow off nicholas sarkozy's wife's titties

A: for some reason i cant catch a breath

must mean i need a cigarette

B: its sad that the only thing in life i have to look forward to is a mediocre meal at TGI Fridays with YOU of all people

im going to kill myself

A: your male friends are questionable and offensive

myself included

A: i love it, it's anonymous status incest sex

B: lol i'm not quite sure what that means but i like it!

A: i finished writing it and thought "that makes no sense, but the references to sex and incest will carry it through and score me a lower case lol at least"

B: haha great success!

A: my cat is eating my hair

A: lol you are so sneaky

B: i deceived an iranian heroine dealer once

he did not find my sneakiness impressive

A: oh by the way, i woke up at 5am on my couch - the little couch not even the big one - in my bra and a pair of shorts. The lamp was knocked over.i need to stop going out on Monday nights

A: i want a sandwich and mac and cheese is that too much?

whatevr we're anorexic we should eat more and tan more

B: if you were a girl i would take no issue with what you just said to me but considering you are a brown man, i'm a little concerned for you

A: lol i know i have a tanning problem apparently i am getting darker and i only want to get even more so. i wont rest until im just a pair of white eyes floating around in a silhouette-esq body

A: r u drinking at work? WTF!?!?!

B: no

A: WITHOUT ME

B: lol hahahaha i love how that is the only issue you take with me drinking at work is that im doing it without you

you are such an enabler

A: well im an INSANELY good writer when im drunk so i kind of encourage others to do the same

A: (435): Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood

LOL that is SO me

B: lol that's more about your throat than i need to know

A: did u get FIRED??
B: not until monday the 3rd
but yea, its coming
A: oh shitt
they gave you a date though?
B: lol, i cant wait

A: okay so basically i was thinking...

B: that you love holding hands?

A: ...yes and i will molest ur hand tonight

B: ew you better wear protection. like a mitten or glove or something. maybe a sparkly mj glove?

A: My roommate called me a peasant last night. Because I’d never watched entourage. If entourage is how we are judging our culture these days, im moving to the arctic to start a snow bunny colony.

A: i just put you in time out by blocking you on gchat. are you ready to play nice now?

B: um.

A: you were blocked for about 1 minute

B: lol u are absurd

A: i hope you've learned your lesson

A: she seemed innocent-ish

B: shes prob not innocent. the 20 yr old i was holdin down in nyc turned out to be tons of fun.

make her call you Method Man. thats what i always do

A: LOL hahaha

B: you laugh but it's true

A: vagina/penis = venis.

A: dude did u see Bruno? im sad to say, i was not a fan

B: it is polarizing all of my friends. i mean on the one hand it was essentially gay blackface

on the other hand, a talking urethra is objectively hilarious

A: Obama's surgeon general pick is from bayou le batre, alabama

wonder if she knows Bubba

A: jon from jon and kate plus 8 is dating the daughter of the plastic surgeon who did kate's tummy tuck

B: jesus fucking christ. i don't know if we can be friends anymore

A: i just found a euro stuck to a piece of gum in my purse

i'm like a white trash mary poppins

A: are you excited about your bangfest
B: my tummy hurts. i hope i don't get diarrhea and ruin it.
A: why would that ruin it?

A: is it still "barrista" if its a boy? or is it barristo
B: actually i'm not sure, maybe it is barristo
A: just one of the many unanswered questions in life.
is there a god? why is the sky blue? is a male barrista actually a barristo?
B: why do insects hate me?
A: LOL wtf?

A: yeah, what a mess. does one send a gift for a divorce??
B: no, but maybe a card? there must be a hallmark "that sucks that you're getting divorced because your husband is a dick" card
A: lol. or maybe just a blank card with my personal sensitive message "well you only knew him a few weeks before you married, what did you think would happen?" i am a terrible person

A: ok, i got the story....boy, 8 lbs, 8 oz
B: get to the important part: c section, so as to prolong recovery?
A: doesn't sound like it, no.
B: i'm sorry
lol, we are ridiculous. i love us
A: lol. "did she have c-section?!" "nope, she didn't." "shucks, that's too bad."
haha, we are terrible
but we know c-section = more time sans k, so......
B: yes. exactly.we are not evil, but i wouldn't want just anyone to know how we think

A: the city of dublin was founded today in 988. i say we drink to that.

B: ill drink to anything at this point

A: i didnt have sex last night THANK YOU VERY MUCH and NEITHER DID YOU

B: that is the meanest thing you have ever said to me

why didn't you have sex last night? i feel like that is the equivalent of not finishing your dinner when there are starving kids in africa. have sex, for my sake. i beg you

A: lol i will tonight

A: i donno. i thought if i got hired i wouldnt have to go back to dolling out handjobs or smuggling balloons of heroine like a scaly man fish for money

A: fuck. i need a copy of the new york times, some burbon and a bagel.

A: i can always tell when you are about to gchat me vs. doing actual work because your typing speed vastly increases

10 minutes later...

B: your voice goes up 3 octaves when you're being fake/kissing ass

A: LOL totes true. i love that we can hear each other

A: don't stop till you get enough...

B: Seriously, you need to stop with the MJ

A: but i dont wannnnaaaaaaaa

B: but you have tooooo

or you could follow MJs advice and literally not stop till you get enough

A: i also like muse

im just a giant ball of emo coming to roll over you

and flatten you like a pancake and then roll you up into a massive joint

and smoke you and then be emo again thus repeating the entire process

B: w
t

f

A: I used to love that gum

I'll be honesta zebra in a motorcycle jacket can sell me ANYthang

B: LOL good to know

if i ever try to sell you meth ill be sure to be in costume

A: is that what you're doing with your spare time these days? blogging and peddling amphetamines?

A: cat stevens is almost as irritating as XX

B: you mean yusuf islam

A: you know what you should get stoked for? being the exotic dark man @ my wedding.

A: when i first saw her wall post, the douche in me thought it was some illusive commentary on how to break past the Washington establishment. but then i realized they were instructions on how to eat my salad.

A: u know what's sad yo?

B: that you have a man-gina?

A: well that too i hate my yeast

A: what could u possibly be doing that is precluding u from making me piss my pants with humorous deliight

B: stalking people on FB obvi

A: wait. HOLD THE PHONE

i just vented to you about my workplace problems with the chief of staff to a major politician and you offer me a text about lesbians on a bus?

A: I was watching Jim Carey on the teevee the other day and was thinking that it miiiightttt be fun for you and I to become a thieving-duo and try to rob and steal shit

B: lol like in the Mask? i'm down

A: I was thinking more like Fun with Dick & Jane but I could be down with you being the dog and getting me out of pickles

A: so i realized that its prudent, when starting out at a new workplace to befriend the fat chicks first

theyz gots bowls of skittles

A: i have hit gchat window capacity gaahhh!!

A: this fool wakes up with a sensor in his penis leading him to fresh meat

A: gross

B: "As soon as we are done with the brain, we will return it," Winter said.

umm....so wtf was in the coffin, a brainless jacko?

A: my friend just told me she's going to buy a 42" plasma

i eat hot dogs for lunch

A: there is this girly girl in old town

i saw her at the bus stop yesterday

and immediately was like 'omg you are 4'11 with a jewey nose and cute hair....wannnnnnnt'

i am stalking her now

not in the modern creepy sense

but in the traditional "i am hunting prey" sense

B: ah like the 'hungry like the wolf' approach yes, continue

A: so i sat by her on the bus as she rocked out on her ipod

got off at the same stop

then STRATEGICALLY walked just slow enough so that i was always around her

then went to the starbucks so i could see where she went to

she works at the torpedo factory right next to me

so then today i made sure that i got on the exact same bus

sure enough she was there

made eye contact with her

soon i will start casually checking out the torpedo factory

to figure out which part she works in

maybe pretend i need to buy some art or something

and from there, conversation?

i think i got this on lock

B: that was one 'so i sniffed at her seat to capture her essence' away from me calling ya parents

A: mj just came up on my mj radio

B: thats not surprising

A: it's human nature though so im not changing it cuz that's a good one

B: fo sho

A: back when he was black

B: lol his music got worse as his skin got whiter there is a direct correlation its scientifically proven

everyone knows black people are better at music anyway

A: and basketball

and being president

A: are you gchatting from the staples center MJ thing

i assume you are there in costume

A: she's cleeearly married

hayzeus

B: LOL i like your phonetic spelling of the spanish pronunciation of Jesus

A: how bad is it that i havent worked in about 3.5 hrs

B: lol not as bad as me not working for 36 hours last week

A: lol only 36 hrs?

B: Our ghcat today (so far) is 761 lines. How is that for efficiency! If only we worked as hard as we gchatted

A: my stalker sent me a huge box of crazy this weekend

B: who??? and what?

A: lol

B: i want a huge box of crazy

A: if michael jackson wasnt dead id kill him

A: are you going out tonight?

B: i dunno XX and YY want me to go to this gay ass thing but it's too far away

A: I was thinking of having a lady to the house for dinner and then sensual love making- obviously more appropriate if you are not there

B: lol i can find something to do for...what 20 minutes? that's all you need right?

A: dude are you going to this mai tai happy hour?

B: probs not...im gonna work a lil late, then i gotta hit up this council meeting, so donno if ill make it

A: yea, that's chill i have pit stains on my shirt today so i don't feel like rolling through

A: do u think i should get a sandwich and then nap, for an hour. get some coffee and write. or get a milkshake and waver btwn sleep and productivity

B: lol all of the above? final answer?

A: LOL CHAIWALLA

B: get coffee and write. less calories, more productive

A: r u trying to thin me out and sell my bones?

B: No, im going to thin you out, skin you and make a fucking suit, buffalo bill style baby.

A: whats up with this numnuts that place their degrees under their names? John Smith, BA., University of Douche in personal comminiques via fucking Gmail. i need not know ur alma matter this is an email, not a fucking happy hour @ Hawk & Dove

A: I wish i could sign into two gmail accounts at the same time.

B: oh word u can do that. open one in firefox other in IE

A: ohhhh you are so freakin smart.

thank god you are indian otherwise i'd be fucked!

B: its cuz im indian - we're also born board certified IT professionals lol

A: LOL get out of my head